Monday, August 19, 2013

Emotional Intelligence vs the Puddle.

Are you emotionally intelligent?

"No, next question." says my husband.  "None of us are."
  
What is emotional intelligent?  Is it a state of unawareness of the social cues around you, is it narcissism, is it a fine line of discrimination, or is it a bend toward drama and politics.  

How many times have you heard the argument that women are too emotional? Plenty of men are as well, however that is generally dismissed as testosterone enforced machismo. Yet, I can not deny that when I feel emotions it can be hard to control things. Such as if I am really angry I may cry, however if I am really sad I may also cry.  Guess what, a bit too much sappy happiness or any Walt Disney and there I am again crying.  I recently went to a funeral for a work associate's son and I cried throughout the mass, yet I had never met the deceased.  

I can say that over the last couple of decades of work life I have seem my emotional intelligence IQ increase.  I no longer automatically volunteer that opinion, I think about what I am going to say, and frankly just leave some things sitting out there in the open and allowing the silent chatter to be silent.  I know that a few years back, I would not have been able to leave those juicy bits out there.  Either strategic thinking, wisdom, balance or calm sure have made it easier to get through the labyrinth.    Yet I am no where near perfect, there is a long way to go for me.  

Part of it is cultural, one has to admit.   East Coast Brashness, Mid American Sensibilities, West Coast Ease, Northern Directness, and Southern Charm all play their roles.  Then there is Canadian Sarcasm, and Mexican Spice, African American Directness, Jewish Guilt and Wit, Asian Customs and Respect, European Sophistication, Israeli Forthrightness....  When you are workwith people from various cultures some understanding has to be made for the passions of the variety.   Yet to progress in the business world the skills of emotional intelligence are vital and one needs to have an understanding of the multicultural playing field and where the predominant cultural is lays.  

I will not lie, this was hard for me.  I was a big city girl from an immigrant family, a Jew and a  immigrant myself to this country.  So this translated to a sophisticated, brash, witty, guilt ridden, sarcastic, direct, forthright, woman with a slowly climbing emotional intelligence in a totally different cultureal relm.  

Now narcissism is just a reality.  As outward focused as we can be, there is part of us that is here to advance ourselves.  This aspect of human nature is part of what keeps us at the top of the food chain.  Yet some folks are just way too narcissistic for their own good.  This is the person that is so caught up in their own drama that they offend everyone near them.  Like having a skinny friend tell you how fat they feel and how you could never understand, mean while your have not been their size since you were 12.  The thing about narcissism is that people don't tend to out grown it, frankly they don't get much better in their lives. Their subjective reality is just too strong to take into considerations others around them.  They generally either end up running the show or self-destructing. 

So how to we attain this mythical emotional intelligence? 
1) Cut the drama.  Take a step back and breathe. Don't engage it, it will go away. 
2) Don't cry at the office.  Keep the extreme emotions for the drive home.  Road rage here we come.
3) Keep your emotional guards up to some extent. You do not need to tell the entire story, keep most details to yourself.   
4) Don't throw trash where you eat. So don't poison your environment at work with negative vibes or sentiment. Especially keep away from negativity about past work places.  Only bring up past stuff if it is essential. 
5) Know that it is not personal, it is business.  You are only as valuable as your last project success. 
6) Upset? Write the email... then don't send and erase it.  Again Breathe
7) Think Strategic not emotionally. Again Breathe
8) Did I say don't take it personal?  Well that one is worth hearing twice.

Good luck, but remember that when you are out of work, and life is chill, you can let your emotional intelligence slip and jump in a puddle or two.  :)   

  


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